Part 2 – Awareness and Longings
“The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice.”
- R.D. Laing
In my last article, I introduced the idea of longings and discussed how these can guide us toward a meaningful and fulfilling life. I left off with the recognition that the journey toward our longings is rarely straightforward and can leave us feeling disappointed or unsettled and influence how we view our longings. In this article, I’ll explore how we can cultivate a life-giving relationship with our longings, even during times of challenge and uncertainty.
Awareness and Longing
Bringing awareness to our longings helps us to clarify and track them. It starts with paying attention to our ongoing internal dialogue. Whether we realize it or not, we are always in some form of conversation with our longings as they are ever present in our internal dialogue. But what does bringing awareness to our longings entail? In our initial attempts to listen to our longing(s), we tend to either miss them or view them from a narrow perspective. It can take time to clarify and apprehend their scope and depth.
We are also susceptible to envisioning our longings unfolding in specific ways. For instance, if I long to create a community, I might imagine a group of like-minded people who share my values and beliefs. But if over time, this specific vision doesn’t materialize, I may become disheartened. If my disappointment lingers, my relationship with this longing can deteriorate. It may start to feel burdensome, and I might question whether it’s worth pursuing. This internal conversation can eventually suggest that my efforts aren’t worthwhile and lead me to abandon my longing.
Longing to form a community with like-minded people is a worthy endeavour. However, becoming attached to how our longing should unfold can strain our relationship with it. We can lose our connection to the more profound yearning beneath it and limit our potential for living into it. What is it, exactly, that we’re seeking/hoping to achieve? By exploring questions like these, we might discover alternative paths to building community and reshaping our relationship with our longing.
I’m not suggesting we abandon our initial longing; I’m advocating for a shift in how we engage with it. Our awareness of our experiences, the internal conversations we have, our expectations, and the attitudes we bring, shape the relationship we cultivate with our longings. Appreciating the nuances and potential of our longings requires grace and sustained attention.
In his book On This Journey We Call Our Life, James Hollis poses a profound question: “…what are the truths we are living or which are living us?” (pp. 30-31). This question is especially valuable when we consider our relationship with our longings. If we live with them with fixed demands or through the lens of disappointment or burden, we risk dampening the essence of what those longings invite us toward—a fuller, more engaged life with that which matters.
Another layer influencing our relationship with longings is the natural restlessness that often accompanies them. This restlessness intensifies when progress toward living into our longings feels slow or uncertain. Our culture’s pervasive messages—“go big or go home,” “climb every mountain,” and “check off your bucket list”—only amplify this restlessness. While these mottos encourage us to aim high, they can also create unrealistic expectations and subtly imply that if we aren’t “living large” in obvious ways, we’re somehow falling short.
I’m not suggesting that bucket lists or the desire for a big life are flawed. However, such mottos oversimplify the complex, often nonlinear journey toward things that truly matter. Our most meaningful longings rarely conform to three simple steps. They take time and patience and frequently require us to confront fixed views and our own expectations.
When we’ve found ourselves unable to materialize cultural mottos in our lives, it often clouds our relationship to our longing. Many people I’ve coached over the years, have felt the conversation with their longing fade for this very reason. They’ve compared themselves to others, and if they’re not seeing the outcome others might be experiencing, judgment kicks in, and there’s a tendency to reduce their engagement with their longing.
It's important to remember that experiencing disappointment, restlessness, and frustration in the pursuit of our longings is completely normal. Equally normal is seeing these experiences impact our relationship to our longings. So, what helps to shift this relationship? What does a vibrant relationship with our longings look like and how do we cultivate such a relationship?
Personal Relationships as an Example for Longing(s)
Our relationship with our longings is analogous to our relationships with people. To develop a personal relationship, we must spend time with the person, ask meaningful questions, and genuinely listen. Over time, as we learn what brings someone joy or sadness, we cultivate a deeper connection. When we’re responsive to the emerging dynamics of the relationship, we learn what keeps it alive and how to navigate the inevitable misunderstandings and challenges.
Every relationship will experience times of challenge and difficulty. The better we get at navigating these, the stronger the relationship becomes. The same is true for our relationship with our longings. We want to know them and understand what fuels and stifles them. When we experience challenges and difficulties, our internal dialogue becomes especially important. Our relationship with our longings will suffer if there’s ongoing judgment, negativity, and lack of attention. However, if our dialogue is generous, curious, and accepting, we create the conditions for our longings to expand and grow. In turn, this fosters a life-giving connection with our longings, which in turn enriches our lives.
Observing how our internal conversations shape our relationship with our longings is key in developing our connection to them. When we honour our relationship, we allow our longings to evolve. We want to hold our longings with dignity. A friend once gave me wise advice when experiencing difficulty around a longing. “Hold them loosely.” This doesn’t imply that we’re less committed to them. Instead, it invites us to remain curious about the twists and turns our longings might take. By holding our longings loosely, we can become more attentive to how they evolve and adjust how we’re in dialogue with them. This practice can fuel our journey towards understanding and fostering a dynamic relationship with our longings.
In my last article of this series, I will focus on specific practices that help to maintain a vibrant relationship and conversation with your longings.
Until the next article, here are some questions to ponder:
As I begin to consider what my longings are, what do I notice/become aware of?
How would you describe your current conversation with your longings? For example, non-existent, curious, ambivalent, etc.
When you consider the analogy of relationships, how might that encourage your own relationship with your longings?
References:
Hollis, James. On This Journey We Call Our Life. Inner City Books, 2003.
