Part 3 – Longing Practices
“I find my bearings when I become lost.”
- Helene Cixous
In my second article, I discussed what impacts our relationship with our longings. In this piece, I'd like to introduce a few practices that can improve this relationship, especially when our longings feel distant, stagnant, or unreachable.
Pursuing our longings is rarely a straight line and typically involves many ups and downs. When our longings unfold in a life-giving way, we're likely content with our relationship. However, when it comes to the down times, people can have a range of responses. A common response I've heard is a multi-layered sense of discouragement. This is particularly true when there's sustained frustration or ambiguity about one's longings. Over time, this can leave us feeling disconnected from our longings, or worse, lead us to abandoning them. Reconnecting with our longings can be complex, as discouragement distorts how we envision and embrace our longings. Although it can leave us unsettled, losing our way is normal and invites us to reorient ourselves to continue our journey toward our longings.
There is a legacy of practices that can support us through these periods. Such practices offer pathways to remember and reconnect to what matters. Some examples include using a go-to saying or proverb, a ritual, or a meaningful symbol. Modern-day versions can consist of a daily mantra or affirmation, creating a storyboard, using an artistic process, or including an image on your desktop that reminds you of your longing.
Including a practice in our day that highlights what is most present in our longing is a way of returning our attention to it and honouring it. It might take some experimentation to identify what works best for you. These practices help us to establish and cultivate a shelter for our longings. In trying times, holding to a practice that supports us in remembering and engaging with our longings, regardless of our experience, is vital. Ultimately, we want to learn how to remain connected to the heartbeat of our longings during times that can feel darker when nothing seems to be working and we feel tempted to marginalize or abandon our longings.
An additional practice is to expand our awareness of how we relate and respond to our longing. Becoming more conscious of our ongoing dialogue with our longings can reveal new options for adjusting it. It takes practice to reveal this conversation as it is often subtle and resides in the background of our awareness. This can be particularly challenging if we're in a fragile or volatile place with our longing.
Let's remember: longings touch us in profound, soulful ways. A helpful posture for attending to this dialogue is generosity and non-judgemental exploration. This invites us to come alongside ourselves with openness, compassion, and a fuller appreciation for what we're experiencing. We might ask questions such as:
What do I need now to be fully open to my longings?
What do I notice about my longings?
What do I notice in my response to my longings – what thoughts, images, feelings, and sensations arise?
What might this longing be inviting me to remember or pay attention to?
What might I need to say in response to what I'm noticing?
What would be helpful at this juncture to continue honouring this exploration?
How might this longing be inviting me to respond at this point?
What might this longing need from me?
How can I honour my longing amid this challenge?
I appreciate that it can be challenging to even consider questions like these – let alone answer them – especially when we feel distant from our longings. We need to warm up to them. These questions do not need to be considered all at once. The first two might be a good place to start and you can consider additional questions as you feel ready. Over time, expanding the range of questions and creating new ones can offer insights on how to navigate forward.
I remember a client I worked with who longed for community. He'd taken several steps to create it, but it wasn't forming as he’d hoped. He concluded that it didn’t make sense to continue with his efforts. It wasn't easy, but rather than pushing it aside, he put effort into exploring his longing more deeply. He discovered that he'd been holding a limited view of community that overshadowed areas where he experienced connection. He still wanted to expand his sense of community, but by bringing attention to his longing and internal dialogue, he realized he needed to be less rigid. While everything didn't suddenly fall into place, there was a significant shift in his expectations, how he approached his longing, and how he experienced his current community.
Journaling our thoughts can be a practice for developing awareness and cultivating a dynamic relationship with our longing. You might also collect images that represent your longing. Noticing your dreams is also helpful. All of this can support further clarification and understanding of your longing. That same client captured images that reflected the community he hoped for. Interestingly, he eventually learned through this process that he no longer wanted to live in a big city.
I want to pause here to acknowledge a response you might be having:
What if my longing is unrealistic or just not possible to pursue?
What if I've tried and determined that it does not apply to my life?
I'll address these in a future article. For now, I'll say this: sometimes, we need to grieve aspects of our longing. I've worked with people who longed for deeper relationships with their parents, but their parents are no longer living. Over time, they discovered their longing was ultimately about having close relationships and being deeply known. This realization shifted how they approached their current and future relationships. I'm not suggesting this is a simple process. But I've learned from clients that an unrequited longing that needs to be grieved is not the end of the journey with our longing.
We don't always have the patience to sustain us when a longing doesn't unfold as hoped. We often assume we're doing something wrong or something is lacking within us. We view it as a problem that needs to be solved as quickly as possible. While I'm not suggesting we avoid exploring why something hasn't unfolded, it's important to avoid rushing or forcing answers just because we're uncomfortable with where we're at/not at. We don't want to push something into happening only to learn later that it doesn't honour our longing. Our quick-fix responses often create more distance rather than closeness with our longing. As mentioned earlier, learning to come alongside our challenges helps steer us away from judgment and toward a wiser, more supportive response. Over time, we see that challenges and difficulties are a natural part of pursuing our longings. When we take up this posture, we expand our capacity for cultivating a vibrant relationship with our longings. One that gives space for challenge, growth, and discovery of the deeper truths our longings hold.
As I said, sustaining a rich dialogue with our longings isn't always easy. There will be days when staying grounded in them feels insurmountable. But we can gently remind ourselves to return to them, again and again, with patience and openness. In his book Tracking Wonder, Jeffrey Davis writes, "We pursue what we care about, and sometimes we must remind ourselves why we care." (p. 178). This is deeply applicable to our longings. Focusing on why and what matters most to us and receiving that uncertainty and struggle are normal, we're less inclined to lose heart and disconnect.
Another helpful practice we can foster is embracing paradox—the ability to hold hope and doubt simultaneously. On a personal note, everything I've written about longing in these three articles, I've experienced. Hope and doubt tend to walk alongside us whenever we pursue something that matters deeply. While envisioning possible futures, we wonder if what we're pursuing will bear fruit, is worth the effort, or if we should continue. Right beside our doubts, we need to continue to remind ourselves about what matters to us and why it matters. We also need frequent reminders that challenges are part of the journey. I believe longing will always hold both the unknown and possibility.
The last practice is to keep taking small steps toward your longing. Earlier, I offered questions to reflect on, particularly when the path feels difficult. Often, your answers can inform your next steps. When my client realized his view of community was rigid, he began exploring other types of groups and activities. Identifying even the smallest decisions and/or actions to honour our longings strengthens our fidelity and alignment with them. As we become more responsive to our longings, we become better attuned to their emergent nature.
As we've discussed, pursuing our longing is rarely a straightforward path. It will ask us to navigate winding, uneven, and sometimes treacherous terrain. I've introduced a few practices to help us stay close to our longing and understand it more fully. In future articles, we'll explore additional practices for cultivating a vibrant relationship with our longings, regardless of our circumstances. Sustaining a vibrant relationship isn't easy, but in the words of French philosopher Gabriel Marcel, we're invited to maintain a "fidelity" to our longing, to remain faithful to that which brings us to life. In doing so, we come to know the next step(s) that will help us find our way.
Following are some questions/thoughts to ponder:
If you are in a challenging time with your longing, see if you can choose one of the questions from this article and begin to work with it.
Revisit the practices introduced and consider how you might invite your longings to be more present in your daily life.
As you move towards your longing, what might you need to remain tethered to it when it’s hard to stay in dialogue with it?
Reference:
Davis, Jeffrey. Tracking Wonder, Reclaiming a Life of Meaning and Possibility in a World Obsessed with Productivity. Sounds True, Inc., 2021.
